Question: Can You Unburn a Bridge?
17 Sep
A reader writes:
I would like to apologize to a former editor for being an arrogant little sh*t. I don’t necessarily need, want, or expect to work with this person again. But it has been weighing on my conscience for many months. Should I apologize, as a fellow human being who was clearly in the wrong? Or would any attempt be viewed as a pathetic attempt to suck up? Should I write a letter and stick it in a drawer? I can’t decide if my need to apologize is purely selfish and should be some ritual for my own personal catharsis, or if it would actually be a decent human thing to do to send it and ultimately appreciated by the receiver. Even, as I mentioned, if we never work together again. Help me, Mr. Blue.
The conventional wisdom says that one should never explain and never apologize. Saying that you’re sorry makes you look weak and does nothing to un-burn the bridge.
As I alluded to in yesterday’s post, you should especially hold your apologies for things outside of your control. Never apologize for not being published, or for being published locally but not nationally, etc.
That said, if you did something wrong then there’s nothing wrong with apologizing. The only catch is that you have to do it right away. If you apologize within 24 hours then it seems sincere. If you’re apologizing after a few days or a week then it seems calculated.
Also, people in this business are tougher than you think. Keep the apology simple and direct. Then move on and never mention the incident ever again.
Final thought:
If you’ve let the relationship go and for some reason want to rekindle the editorial flames, send in a smokin’ hot pitch. Fresh ideas heal all wounds.
Dennis, I enjoy your site — but hate this advice. The reader admitted to being clearly in the wrong, and feeling guilty about being “an arrogant little shit.”
Yes, apologize. Write a sincere, handwritten note — and put it in the mail.
Of course, if the reader is not sincere, if this is all BS to get another book deal, then that’s truly disgusting and, I’d bet, pretty transparent.
A sincere apology? There’s no deadline on that. We’re not talking about marketing here, or strategizing for the best outcomes.
Go for it. Dare to be a decent human being — and screw all the marketing angles for a while.
JP
My editor is showing (oops). I have to side with Dennis here. I’m not even experienced enough to get jaded yet, but other people in the industry are. I’d expect they’d think of an apology sent much later: “uh oh, in a couple of minutes this’ll be followed by a pitch.”
That said, I’ve found industry folk to be amazingly forgiving. I’ve had just this sort of lapse in good judgment, and followed by an immediate apology I got an invite to “submit again, please, we love your stuff and we know rejections suck!” But if I’d let it go, I would have let it go. Yes, I would have had to suffer my own mortifying breakdown. But I would have let it go.
Either they’ll never forgive you (and do you really want to work with someone like that?) or they’ll love your next project and forgive you (we all want to work with someone like that!)
Like the esteemed Miss Snark says: Good Writing Trumps All.
I think it all depends on the relationship. And the nature of the offense.
I didn’t taking being an “arrogant little sh*t” to be that big of a deal. It’s not like the reader filed a false expense account or tanked a story.
To me it sounded like a personality conflict and if that’s the case, then a late apology (right or wrong) is probably going to fall on deaf ears.
That said, I think James is right. A sincere apology (for a genuine offense) can never be late.