The parties continues to continue. Here is the fourth of our Five Party Grafs:
She didn’t wish on stars. That would be childish. But before she fell asleep most nights, she did think. And talk. And sometimes wish for what she wanted or needed most. And the stars happened to be there. She squinted her eyes and the window screen made everything look twinkly.
From near the end of the first chapter of a middle-grade novel.
I like juxtaposition of the wishing and the not-wishing. It nicely captures a kid’s jumbled, openly contradictory mind.
It also zeroes on one of childhood’s chief concerns, which is where you are in childhood. Adults aren’t the only ones who wonder if what a kid does is “age appropriate.”
Two things I’d like to see:
1. Unbury the best line
“And the stars happen to be there.” That’s nice. What comes after it sounds like the first line of the next graf. Or something you can cut.
2. Set up that last line better
Another way of looking at Enter-Develop-Exit is Introduce-Elaborate-Twist.
That’s what you’re doing here. She doesn’t wish on stars. Then she does some talking/thinking that sneaks in some wishing. Then the stars happen to be there (so she does wish on stars).
If that’s what you’re after, then the goal is to get a little more space between the idea and its reversal:
She didn’t wish on stars. That would be childish and silly. But before she fell asleep most nights, she did think. And talk. She’d think about ABC and how details, details, details. She’d talk about XYZ and how details, details, details. And if in all that thinking and talking and talking and thinking she let slip one true wish, well then the stars just happened to be there.
Ooooh. This gives me lots of good ideas with where to go with this. Thanks Dennis, I think I do feel more awesome. This site really works!
I’ve been struggling with pegging down all the plot points of this story before I dive in and start the next draft, but this makes me all the more excited to get to that point and get going. Yee haw.
I like the “stars happen to be there” bit, too. A lot. Good revision, except I’d probably delete the “and talking and thinking” which for my taste makes the last sentence unnecessarily complicated and perhaps a bit too cute. I notice there are six “ands” in that short paragraph, and I think it would help to be rid of at least those two.
I’m thinking if one of the objectives of the revised version is to place the reader in that rush of unbidden thoughts and self-verbalizations–the repititions– we feel before sleep, it does the trick.
@Mary Ann and Dennis:
I appreciate the conversation, but it’s really more of a Sentence Party discussion.
At this stage it’s more important to get the overall shape and content right.
You never want to polish too soon because you never know what’s going to get cut.
*Takes lampshade off head and heads out to Dunkin’ Donuts for a sobering coffee.*
but i’d want you to keep the shape fairly tight and small. the added ABC and XYZ part shouldn’t be too long, cuz t that first and last sentence should remain pretty close for best effect.