The party rages on with the third graf:
Rose reached for the bamboo scratcher on his nightstand, placed it in Hank’s open hand, and curled his fingers over it. He held it loosely, raised his arm slowly, and squeezed his eyes shut as he aimed it towards his back. It never got easier for Rose to watch how painstaking this simple movement was for him, even though she had watched him do it hundreds of times. She could scratch his back for him faster, easier, and then she wouldn’t have to watch him strain himself like that, the agonizing slowness, the interminable amount of time it took every tiny movement, the fact that only one arm and his head moved at all, his body perfectly still except for the movement of that right arm. She didn’t know how he could stand it to do it every single day. She forced herself to watch him. She could turn away from him for a moment, for a day, or forever, but he couldn’t turn away. She wouldn’t close her eyes while his shut in concentration, and she wouldn’t let herself imagine what he was thinking inside, either. She didn’t want to know what went on his head when a simple task like this took on the proportions of a major feat of strength and endurance. In fact, she never wanted to know what went on in his head. His thoughts were surely different than what came out of his mouth. Their banter was scripted. She was glad he kept his feelings to himself, just as she preferred to keep quiet about hers. Their arrangement suited her just fine.
From middle of first chapter of a novel.
First, kudos for the great entrance and exit. I like how we start with this very physical and intimate moment that establishes Hank’s helplessness. Then we leave on her equally intimate but emotionally distant assessment of their “arrangement.” Nice.
Quick nit before my main note: consider making it even clearer that Rose is reaching across Hank’s body. You’ve got the scratcher on his nightstand so it’s implied, but coming right out with it will make the reader feel his immobility more acutely.
Now on to the bad news. This paragraph is in dire need of a boil down.
That’s when your editor says something alone the lines of “This is great but it needs to be half as long.”
Then you gasp and say, “Half? Impossible!”
Then you go and do it and realize she was absolutely right.
When I do a boil down I mercilessly cross out the stuff that isn’t pulling its weight and worry about smoothing it out later. Here is how I would start the boil down on this graf:
Rose reached for the bamboo scratcher on his nightstand, placed it in Hank’s open hand, and curled his fingers over it. He held it loosely, raised his arm slowly, and squeezed his eyes shut as he aimed it towards his back. It never got easier for Rose to watch how painstaking this simple movement was for him, even though she had watched him do it hundreds of times. She could scratch his back for him faster, easier, and then she wouldn’t have to watch him strain himself like that, the agonizing slowness, the interminable amount of time it took every tiny movement, the fact that only one arm and his head moved at all, his body perfectly still except for the movement of that right arm. She didn’t know how he could stand it to do it every single day. She forced herself to watch him. She could turn away from him for a moment, for a day, or forever, but he couldn’t turn away. She wouldn’t close her eyes while his shut in concentration, and she wouldn’t let herself imagine what he was thinking inside, either. She didn’t want to know what went on his head when a simple task like this took on the proportions of a major feat of strength and endurance. In fact, she never wanted to know what went on in his head. His thoughts were surely different than what came out of his mouth. Their banter was scripted. She was glad he kept his feelings to himself, just as she preferred to keep quiet about hers. Their arrangement suited her just fine.
The next step is to go back through the graf and fix up the busted up bits. Sentences will need to be rewritten so they don’t all start with “she.” You’ll also want more variety in length and tone.
As part of this process you’ll inevitably discover details, turns of phrase and images that bring back aspects of the graf that were interesting (that she can turn away but he can’t, their “scripted” banter) but that weren’t executed well enough to avoid the axe.
Now add the new stuff (without letting the graf balloon up) and give it a quick smoothing. But don’t linger too long. Paragraphs need rest. Trust that you’ll perfect it during the next pass through the book.
Good luck!
This party is terrific – thanks for inviting everybody!
This is my paragraph, and I thank you very much for the edit, Dennis.
This was a draft. In draft, I tend to write long. I guess it’s because I’m just discovering the story and getting to know the characters and setting. It’s long because I’m trying things out.
Then I go back and pare down to the essentials — and tighten at the sentence and paragraph level. While I am doing the tightening, I discover ways to deepen the writing — better, sharper word choices, more interesting sentence structures, etc. — to ratchet up the impact.
So I feel good about what you’ve done here, because your process is similar to mine. Confirmation is good. You showed me where to tighten (the strikeouts) and I can see that I was doing too much “telling.” And you told me where I should go back and deepen — your “nit” was great and “that she can turn away but he can’t, their “scripted” banter’” is exactly what I would want to bring forward.
I absolutely agree with everything you did, and I also believe in letting the work rest and coming back to it.
Glad you liked it, Mary Ann.
And since you’re already doing the thing, I’ll take the gloves off.
Here’s my extra-ruthless boil down/tweak:
Rose reached across Hank’s body for the bamboo scratcher on his nightstand. She placed it in his open hand and curled his fingers over it. Hank squeezed his eyes shut and aimed for his back. She was glad he kept his feelings to himself, just as she preferred to keep quiet about hers.
Now for the heartless bastard version:
Rose reached across Hank’s body for the bamboo scratcher on his nightstand. She placed it in his open hand and curled his fingers over it. Hank squeezed his eyes shut and aimed for his back.
[Cut to dialogue that dramatizes their scripted banter.]
Too far? Maybe. Depends on what that dialogue does.
I’m with Nancy. Great party! Can learn a lot here. Hope you keep it up.
I’m often suspicious of the word “was” because it often leads to telling statements that work better shown via action. This is not to say I never use the word. Sometimes telling actually gets the job done more efficiently. But early on in a piece I like a lot of showing because I like to meet the characters in the way I would a regular person, by observation and listening. I also tend to not like internal narrative–but that’s my bent and voice. I don’t hold that too much against anyone else.
I like this graph very much in that the action goes a long way to show the relationship and character. My advice? Let that action do its job and trust the reader to catch on.
Dennis: I’ve been working on this chapter this morning. My own edit is very close to your “extra-ruthless boil down/tweak” and I have also been tweaking the dialogue that already existed on either side of this paragraph. In the process, I realized that the dialogue clearly shows “scripted banter” and it wasn’t necessary to hit readers over the head by telling them that’s how these two characters interact.
I’m not quite confident with what I’ve done in this chapter and (and the rest of this first draft book) to drop the “She was glad…” line yet, but I suspect that as I work more on tightening and sharpening this chapter, I will. For now it’s a place holder. Right now I’ll give the paragraph and the chapter a rest.
It has been interesting to think about what I do when I revise, because in reality, I go about it much more instinctively. (Like driving a car, you know, I don’t think about okay now, press on the brake, press on the accelerator, etc. I just do it.) But I think it is useful to sit back a little and think about this process, so thanks for this opportunity.
At some point in the revision process, spread my manuscript out on a table, and without looking at the words themselves, look for pargraphs that appear particularly long, and I mark those for further attention.
bets: Yep, “was” is a good flag for something that may need to be dramatized as is “would.” I tend to do a lot of internal narrative in first draft. I don’t outline and often I don’t have a clue where I’m headed. In draft, I just make it up as I go along, so I guess with the internal narrative, I’m figuring out how the character thinks. Ideally, in subsequent drafts, I know my character, and can show how she thinks without dragging readers into her head.
Yup. I call that authorial discovery. Good stuff, that.
Ah, fancy. I just call it “writing.”
dunno about the really pared down revision. there could be a bit more action that would dramatize the man’s struggle and her agony, her having to hold back as she watched. it could be done without going inside her head. i wouldn’t go on and on about it, but a sentence or two that better dramatizes a conflict is probably in order.