Everyone having fun? Good. Freshen your drink and then we’ll move on to the second graf.
Liam stayed in bed hoping this time would be different. The wind came in through his window, chilly. The moon was a perfect half in the sky over the trees. He got up. He hadn’t slept in years. Every night he got ready for bed and climbed under the covers thinking that this would be the night everything changed.
First paragraph from a contemporary fantasy novel.
In Consider the Paragraph I extolled the virtues of the pleasing shape, but it’s not just because I like things pretty.
Enter, Develop, Exit also creates energy, or what’s sometimes referred to as “narrative drive.” The key to creating narrative drive is change. Some aspect of the story (could be as obvious as plot or as subtle as tone) has to change between the first word and the last word.
If you look at the first and last sentences of our party graf you’ll see that they’re effectively the same. Liam hopes this time is different. Later he hopes this is the night everything changes. In between we pick up a few details (it’s a cold, moony night; he doesn’t sleep and his bed has covers) but we haven’t gone anywhere.
One thing that might help is for the writer to be more up front about the “this time.” As this is contemporary fantasy novel I’m assuming Liam is a Supernatural Being and that he has Supernatural Being Problems. Engage us in the mystery of his life instead of teasing us with the mystery of the mystery of his life.
In other words, get to it!
Good luck!
Thank you for this very excellent online graf party. Where are the sliced limes?
Limes are over by the marble statue of Joan Didion. Stick around. We’ve got three grafs in the next few days.
Unless it’s an erotica piece, I wouldn’t start a story in bed. As an avid sufferer, insomnia isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds. And I wonder why after years he still gets in bed? It kind of takes the steam out of the character for me. I’d rather see what he does while the world sleeps.
But this is about the graph itself. I’m with Dennis, I like action. You’ve got a good start with the cold, moony night (lol, Dennis) and so hopefully nasties will appear soon. Why not have them appear in the first graph?
Good luck!