Dennis Cass Wants You To Be More Awesome

If only writing them were as easy as formatting them

Before I start blasting away with Facebook and Gmail, I wanted to give the good readers of DCWYTBMA the first shot at an exciting and innovative new class I’m teaching at The Loft.

It’s called Paragraph Party and it’s based on the simple premise that writing lives and dies at the paragraph level.

If you can make paragraphs that are energetic, shapely, informative, stylish, thoughtful, purposeful and true, then you’re going to have a wonderful career.

If you can’t make those kinds of paragraphs, then you’re going to have a much less wonderful career.

Solution: Paragraph Party!

This is not a mechanics class. We’re not going to be talk about topic sentences and supporting sentences and so forth. Instead we’re going to use the paragraph as a springboard for talking about all aspects of writing. And we’re going to do it using student work. And we’re going to do it live.

Here’s how it works:

1. Sign up for the class.

2. Before class you will send me a paragraph from one of your many delightful works in progress.

3. I will take all paragraphs and load them into a special Paragraph Projecting Device that I have commissioned expressly for this purpose.

4. On the day of the class I will project paragraphs onto the wall. Then we’ll break them down and build them back up until they’re perfect little gems of pure delight.

5. Jokes, asides, wisdom (and possibly snacks) included.

The first Paragraph Party is on Tuesday, August 4th. The cost is $40 for nonmembers, $36 for members. Space is limited, so if you’re interested sign up now. You will not be disappointed.

See you in school.

Photo courtesy foxypar4 Flickr photostream

The good people at Phantom Fireworks recently sent me a brochure containing the following delightfully named fireworks products:

Fortress of Fire

Cometary Chaos

Glitterator

Toot N Twirl

Large Happy Planets

Strobe Flower Blooms

Komodo 3000

Vapor Trails

Critical Blast

Artificial Satellite

Hexagon Magic

Saturn Battery

Barbarian Blast

Fiery Cloud

Your assignment is to take one or more of these names and use them in a paragraph. The goal is to stray as far from the literal as possible.

[Ed. note: Example redacted because stop signs have eight sides.]

Have fun and have a fine weekend.

In response to Louis Menand’s article in The New Yorker about the writing workshop, I’m pleased to present notes (repeat: NOTES) on my dream MFA program.

BASIC STRUCTURE

Two-year program, trimester system, three classes a term for a total of 18 classes.

REQUIRED COURSES

The almighty page

The Sentence

The Paragraph

The Scene

Basic Dramatic Structure

Research, planning, and project management

Introduction to Project Management

Basic Research Techniques for Writers

The business of writing

Introduction to Magazine and Book Publishing

The Internet for Writers

The writing life

Introduction to the Writing Life

How to Have Something to Say

ELECTIVES

The almighty page

Experimental fiction, tricky structure, voice, comedy writing, genre writing, literary fiction, etc.

Research, planning, and project management

Historical research, scientific research, planning a novel, how to collaborate, etc.

The business of writing

Pitching, media training, managing your web presence, etc.

The writing life

Psychology of writing, managing creative energy, developing your relationship to the world, how not to become a drunk, etc.

WHAT WE WON’T COVER

There will be no assigned reading or critiquing of literature in class. The school will publish a list of foundational books, films, plays, poems, etc. References to these works may or may not come up in class. Act accordingly.

There will be less of an emphasis on critiquing completed work in class. Class time is dedicated to developing specific skills. Integrating those skills happens on your own time, as does how your peers, your professors, etc. react to said integration.

GRADUATION REQUIREMENTS

The school runs three publications staffed by independent editors who are advised by faculty and alumni.

The publications are broken into three tiers, a highly competitive publication that also publishes established writers, a mid-range publication that also takes outside submissions, and a student-only publication that is the most forgiving, but that still reserves the right to reject your work.

In your first year you’re eligible to be published by the two lower-tier publications. The top-tier publication is open to second-year students only.

To graduate you have to get through the publication process once at the top tier or twice at the second tier or three times at the bottom tier. (Graduation requirement is waived in the event you get a book deal, publish with a national magazine, etc.)

You can take as long as you want to graduate. You get your shingle when you make it into print.

Beliefs about teaching as information/skills transfer

I am the teacher. You are my student. I have life knowledge in my head computer. Your head computer does not. As my student, you expect to download my life knowledge from my head computer directly into your head computer.

Failure of the direct download at the personal level is attributed to either the teacher or the student.

Failure of the direct download at the system level is attributed to the impossibility of teaching the subject.

Results take so long you lose track of cause and effect

Gregory Blake Smith was one of my teachers and mentors. Over twenty years ago, he likened point of view to a kite on a string. The more string you paid out, the higher the kite flew and the broader (and more distant) the point of view became.

When I heard first him say this I thought, “What do you know, old man?” During my apprenticeship I wrestled with that metaphor. Today it’s part of my daily practice.

Did Gregory Blake Smith teach me about point of view that day? No. Did he teach me about point of view eventually? Yes.

Genius obliterates reason

Geniuses are like airplane crashes. Statistically you’re more likely to die a car crash or a home accident than in an airline disaster, but when a plane goes down it’s a lot more dramatic than someone slipping in the tub. Those rare talents scramble our brains in the same way. A “silver gleaming death machine” comes along and we say, “You see! Writers are born, not made.”

Pride and ego makes us take credit for what others have given us

If you’ve ever worked in an office, then you understand the phenomenon of the boss who takes your idea and passes it off as his own. Writers are the same way, if not worse. One of the reasons we don’t believe writing can be taught is because writers are too close-lipped (or self-blind) to talk about how they were taught.

Beneficial “secondary benefits”

Whenever human beings are around you always want to look out for the secondary benefits to a belief. If writing can’t be taught, then teachers are off the hook for not teaching, and students are off the hook for not learning. We don’t have to think critically about our writing programs. We don’t have to risk having uncomfortable conversations about what’s working and what isn’t working (or, more pointedly, who isn’t working). In other words, we all have “plausible deniability” and nothing has to change.

You with me on that?

Have a fine weekend.

A reader writes:

My manuscript is over the limit on word count, but I think I can get it down close enough to acceptable levels that I am not really concerned.

I have two friends, however, who have written tomes. Yes, I hang out with overachievers. I’ve read one completely and bits of the historical. Both have had very positive comments from agents who are aware of the word count, but I wonder if the current climate is going to kill these books.

The delightful Moonrat recently covered this very topic. Her “is there a word cap count cap for a debut novel?” offers a peek into an editor’s point of view.

Agent Colleen Lindsay (who writes The Swivet blog) has walked similar ground, but she serves up a better word-count breakdown in her post “On word counts and novel length.“

I can’t offer much more on industry standards, but I can speak to what it might be like to go out into the world with a long, long, long, long, long, long book. Here’s what you’ll need:

1. Publication strategy that takes into account longness

You can’t pretend your book isn’t too long. People are going to notice. Which means publication strategy should take into account the size of your book.

If there are agents who are more likely to fight a long book’s battles, then that is an agent you will want to employ.

Getting a referral/endorsement from an established author will also help. See if you can get Toni Morrison to say, “I know this f*cker is 250,000 words long, but trust me on this one: it’s brilliant.” That just might do it.

Along those lines, it’s never too early to find ways of selling the book as a long book. (As the old computer science joke goes, “It’s not a bug; it’s a feature.”)

Is your book the final word on the subject? Is it the product of 25 years of research? Is it long because it’s experimental? Is it some kind of super epic? You’ll need something better than “just cuz.”

Finally, even if you land the deal at the desired size, the publisher may change their mind. Your editor might ask for big cuts, or ask you to split the book into two or three volumes. Be prepared for a fight.

2. Audience-building strategy that takes into account longness

All the struggles you encountered during the publication process will only be magnified once the book is out. There are people who simply won’t read long books. Period. There are even people who will resent you for writing long. (Who do you think you are, anyway? What century do you think it is?)

Are you planning on wooing those who would otherwise read your book if they weren’t turned off by the length? Or are you going to focus on a smaller core audience and hope to build the buzz that way? What’s the “elevator pitch” that makes its longness an enticement?

Your book’s longness will also come up again and again while you’re doing media. What’s your plan for handling interviews? Are you going to be coyly apologetic? Raffishly defensive? Unabashedly sassy?

Finally, if it’s not easy keeping any book afloat over its natural life, then a big book will be even more challenging. Once the energy of the hardcover release dissipates, then you have the long slog of getting your book into paperback, and then continuing to support it.

What is your plan for (sometimes literally) carrying this beast around with you for six, seven, eight, nine, ten years? What happens if the publisher decides not to go into paperback, the rights revert to you and you have to try re-selling the book to another house?

Are you prepared to fight your long book’s long-book battles twice?

3. Failure strategy that takes into account longness

Books fail for all kinds of reasons. Long books often fail because they’re TOO DAMN LONG and everyone (including the author) knows it.

If it’s absolutely unavoidable that your book is that long, then it might be easier to stomach the failure.

If your book is too long out of blindness or stubbornness, then you’re going to have a lifetime of “if only” conversations with yourself. Start practicing today.

A reader writes:

I would like to know why I always discount my efforts – I have “real” artwork (that I don’t seem to get around to doing much) and then I have “non-art” that I mess around with and do nearly every day. I tell people it’s a matter of intent and materials – just goofing around with whatever is at hand doesn’t cut it – I can’t show or sell the everyday stuff – only the serious art counts. Am I right or am I wrong?

I’m glad I don’t have examples of your work to cloud the issue. Because it doesn’t matter if your “real” artwork is a collection of fine (but neglected) oils and your “non-art” is macaroni glued to construction paper. What’s happening here is all about attitudes and beliefs.

The critical part of your mind thinks like this:

Your “real” art is up there with the hawks and the orcas. Your “non-” art is down there with the plants and the plankton.

You have these attitudes and beliefs because you grew up with parents, teachers, critics, the Evil Mainstream Media, etc. who feel more comfortable when culture is categorized into high and low, good and bad.

The artistic part of your mind, however, thinks like this:

In this context your “real” art and your “non-” art aren’t so easy to judge. Everything’s connected and related and somehow necessary. What it all means is up to you.

Is it better to be a maned goose or sedge? I don’t know. Maned geese are on top, but sedge is awfully central. Even daphnia and decayed matter—lowly as they are—can lay claim to getting good eat-and-be-eaten action.

Both the “food chain” and “food web” models of culture have their merits, but as someone who used to make a living as a critic, I can testify to how limiting the food chain mentality is. It’s hard to see the true potential of your work if you’re constantly putting things into categories.

The answer for you might be to stop goofing off and get serious, but let me ask you this:

What would happen if you stopped dismissing your “non-art” as “non-” and started taking it seriously? Where would you want to take it? How would you get it there?

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Congratulations to Savannah College of Art and Design senior Bang-yao Liu.

You are one ’09 grad who has nothing to worry about.

While doing my monthly ego search (go ahead and make your frequency jokes) I stumbled across the following link:

Download free HEAD CASE: How I Almost Lost My Mind Trying To Understand My Brain

Having never heard of the reputable-sounding 4ebooks.org (my bad) I clicked through and found this delightful marriage of attempted digital piracy and spam gibberish:

Dennis Cass, “Head Case: How I Almost Lost My Mind Trying to Understand My Brain”
HarperCollins | 2007-03-01 | ISBN: 0060594721 | 224 pages | PDF | 1,5 MB

Infiltrating the concern of neuroscience, Dennis Cass offers up his possess mentality to “research,” subjecting his nous and embody to automobile shocks, mind-numbing tending experiments, cigarettes, pronounce tests of his possess devising, and the comedy of Bill Maher. Like a slightly off-kilter martyr Plimpton, Cass, in his adventurous exploits, reveals the intricacies of fear, attention, stress, reward, and knowingness from the exclusive out. Along the way, he weaves in the news of his stepfather’s wild incurvation and take addiction, in constituent to his possess problems–which are many. Cass attacks the person of the manlike mentality with humorist and candor, motion favourite power into something distinctly human. Head Case is an clamant feature for anyone who has ever wondered, “Why am I who I am?”

I’m trying to imagine the person who has the technical savvy to sell stolen encrypted computer files, but is unable rip off the sales copy from the HarperCollins website.

Do they have some kind of Soviet-era laptop whose cut-and-paste function introduces error?

Was it dictated by a crack addict . . . to an opium addict?

Or am I just jealous about not having the chops to describe my own work as a “clamant feature?”

Speaking to you on oh so many levels

Come spring, a writer’s thoughts turn to the classic 70s TV detective Columbo.

Of all of the character’s signature traits (shabby raincoat, cigar, unseen wife, “one more thing . . . “) the smoking, rattling, backfiring Peugot 403 is my favorite.

The bad guy always sees this car and mistakenly reads Lt. Columbo as an incompetent buffoon.

The audience sees this car and correctly reads Lt. Columbo as an intelligent eccentric who has a singular point of view and unique insights into the world. (If he drove an old Chevy it wouldn’t be the same.)

For this prompt, I want you to come up with a P.I. and his or her ride.

1. Create a P.I.

2. Pick a car for said P.I.

3. Identify what the car says to the people in the fictional detective’s fictional world

4. Identify what the car secretly signals to the reader

Try not to get bogged down in scene. Don’t make it pretty. Think of this prompt as an exercise in getting better at the behind-the-scenes work.

Vroom, vroom.